How NOT to stop smoking

Globus has come off the rails following his much-vaunted attempt to stop smoking. So if you are trying to stop smoking, here are 10 tips to guarantee you, too, will never kick the filthy habit :

1) Make no changes to your daily routine. Smoke driving to work each day? Keep making the same journey. Smoke at certain times of the day? Don't replace the fag break. Jump at every chance you get to go out and socialise in your usual haunts with your normal, cigarette-wielding social cronies, too. The temptation will just be too much.
2) Keep a lighter in your car or pocket 'just in case'. Rather than being able to jump quickly to the defence of some cave wench needing fire, you'll quickly realise indeed your fart-lighting days are also over, and it's just far too easy to complete the duo by purchasing a packet of cigs at the next petrol station. There's no smoke without fire.
3) Add some new stresses into your life. Moving house, job, or getting involved with an unsuitable woman are three favourites. Globus can vouch for numbers 2 and 3 in particular at the moment but that's another story. Guaranteed to have any nicotine-head charging implacably towards the nearest tobacco vendor.
4) Go cold turkey. Who said stopping smoking is easy? No fucking way, sunshine, it ain't. That's why so many smokers die of lung cancer. They can't stop. Quit without aids, and it's impossible.
5) Eat really unhealthily and don't drink enough water. That way your body will feel truly punished, will turn on you and make you ill and miserable, and your old friend the cigarette will be waiting in the wings to offer comfort again. It's an easy slope to slide down.
6) Drink shitloads of alcohol. It's a well-known fact that fags and booze go together like the Chinese Olympic Committee and rigged ceremonies. Simply drink more alcohol, fuelling the desire to smoke more, until your already stuttering willpower collapses in the face of drunken rationale.
7) Think seriously about the health of those around you. Let's face it, believe the hype and you'll think that all smokers are responsible for costing the Health Service millions a year in treatment for lung cancer etc. Total horseshit. The cost of treating smoking-related diseases in the UK is around a third of all tax revenue the government actually earns from taxing cigarettes. Stop smoking, deprive the government of its revenue, and you'll really fuck up our Health Service.
8) You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Well, if you did, wouldn't it be a bastard to have spent the last 24 hours of your paltry life craving nicotine and suffering from withdrawal?
9) Remember James Bond smoked. Who is cooler than that? Even if you have teeth like a bombed-out graveyard and weigh about 20 stone, you can still kid yourself.
10) Fight the ban! Globus believes anything New Labour have banned needs fighting - from the Fox Hunting ban to the Smoking Ban. Just out of principle, just because they are Labour, and just because we'd love to blow toxic, carbon-monoxidous smoke into Blair's smug face.