globus blogus

Are E-lites electronic cigarettes any good?

2011-06-15T09:10:00.005+01:00

So, Globus rekindles the blog with a review on his latest bid to stop smoking - the E-Lites electronic cigarette:

Background story
Globus was passing through London Euston train station (a common occurrence these days) when he was accosted by a salesman peddling these 'electronic cigarettes'. Globus listened patiently to the spiel, but wasn't ready to decide just yet. Globus once had a meeting in an hotel in London (no, not -that- kind of meeting...it was daytime) and the guy he met with fished out an electronic cigarette, proceeded to draw on it a few times, then put it back in his pocket. Globus is a sucker for novelty, and it seemed quite, well, novel, but still a bit, well, wacky.

On reflection, it seems a great idea. No tobacco, so no stinky breath (a fundamental reason why Globus never gets any rumpy-pumpy from the missus at home), no self-conscious odour when around work colleagues, and, seemingly cheaper than normal cigarettes as well. On that premise alone, worth a go, surely?

Globus did some shopping around online, and there were no websites which either seemed a) credible or b) had the right kind of product at the right kind of price. So checking out the E-Lites website, it overall seemed a bit 'lite' on information for what Globus wanted to know. Why were the products he wanted out of stock? Were they going to re-stock? Should he go for 'regular' or 'lights'? (Globus smokes Marlboro Lights). So he decided to call them on their advertised number, for a chat. The 'sales advisor' who answered the phone (after a while ringing out) really seemed to be preoccupied with playing tetris or poking someone on Facebook or something - Globus didn't feel like he was dealt with attentively at all. But Globus has low expectations of telephone answerers anyway, so he decided to wait until he was in London again the following week, to speak to the salespeople outside Euston station again in person. (Incidentally, there's been speculation about E-Lites staff posting positive review and comments about the products online, and also interfering with people reviewing their products. See this post by way of example).

The kit
So yesterday Globus bought an E-Lites 'starter kit' at £39 (they added on a £1 'card processing fee' which came out of nowhere mid-transaction...sneaky....). Keen to stop smoking, and find a new way to kick the habit, E-Lites are getting a Globus trial.

The actual cigarette is slightly larger than a regular smoke, and has a green LED at the end which lights up when you take a drag. Unpacking the kit, you get 5 'cartridges' which they claim equate to around 40 cigarettes each (Googling it suggests you might get half that per cartridge), and a nifty little case about the same size as a normal cigarette packet. The 'battery' (which is the white part of the e-cig) is chargeable via a USB port.

Globus got some odd looks in the office when he was 'charging' his cigarettes, whereas the guy on the desk opposite was being normal and charging his ipod. But hey. It would have been good to have a mains charger included, and the green LED light is a bit reminiscent of what you might get from a joke shop...

So, is the smoking experience any good?
Globus mentioned that the e-cig is slightly larger, and heavier, that a usual cigarette, so it feels a little clunky to hold. Feels a bit more like holding a pen, than a smoke. Also the green LED which lights up when you drag on it is a little odd. Globus understands the concept of not wanting to confuse with someone actually smoking a cigarette...but when did you last see anyone smoking anything green FFS? So Globus has felt a little self conscious smoking it in public as it's attracted a few curious look-at-the-wierdo-what's-he-up-to kind of glances. In terms of the nicotine rush, it's there, for sure. 'Smoking' the electonic cigarette provides a similar experience to smoking a regular cigarette - so it's fair to say that this product certainly has potential. But although you can, in theory, use it indoors (it works with water vapour not smoke), it'd get some very strange looks and attention from people, so best not, eh. And Globus has always found something 'finite' about smoking a cigarette - it begins, and finishes, and you know how long it takes. With these electronic jobbies, all that goes out of the window, so it's a bit of a re-education as to how to smoke. Not necessarily a bad thing, but worth pointing out, nonetheless.

Globus will update once he's spent a bit more time with his new electronic companion. Initial diagnosis is that the product has promise, and initial rating after day 1 is 8 out of 10.

Warning - Blog facelift

2011-02-28T10:35:00.004Z

Instead of continuing to let it die on its ass, Globus will be facelifting and revamping this blog soon. In the meantime, here's something for all our German visitors who are here to ogle the pretty pictures of Natalie Dormer. Having just watched Inglorious Basterds, and being a Tarantino fan, Globus thought this'd do. (courtesy of our friends at deviantart.com)

2010 vs 2009

2010-08-31T15:38:00.003+01:00

why 2010 is a better year than 2009

work
a new boss arrived in Jan, removing some of the burden globus carried last year, and consequently removing the whole not-sleeping-due-to-stressing-about-work thing. globus is now working on fewer tasks, feels less like a hamster on a work-wheel, and professional life is greatly improved.
money
finally the banks began to offer 0% interest free credit cards again, so globus managed to a) get a windfall and b) move the rest of his debt onto interest free and actually begin to pay it off.
wheels
the legendary V6 golf globus drove, with its 165k miles on the clock, finally gave up the ghost. a newer, shinier and much less dog-eared version replaced it, and globus delights in roaring through his local village at 6,500 rpm to give the people in the bus queue something to tut about.
sleep
globus has begun to cast aside his sleep-deprived, vampiresque palour. the children began to sleep a few nights in a row without waking up. in fact we're on a roll...in the past fortnight half of the nights have actually been uninterrupted at all. result!
totty
overall a less exciting year than last, but the good news is that the quality over quantity argument is a compelling one. and there's truth in the fact that as you get older, the sex becomes better. that's basically because you end up shagging people who know their own mind better and have much more of a clue about what buttons to press.
footy
QPR are top of the championship at time of writing. 'nuff said.

The problem with a blog is...

2010-03-12T21:17:00.004Z

...time. Globus has kids, dogs, a wife, a horse, a 60-hr a week job, loads of other shit besides, and consequently no time. Therefore this blog has fallen into a state of disprepair, as crumbled and disregarded as a Ryanair customer care policy.

Scouring the news, the world's gone a bit mad, hasn't it? British Airways staff are going on strike, which surely in the long term means they will damage the brand they work for, and heighten their chances of redundancy. Let alone get black marks in the employee files held on them in BA house.

The BNP is in the news again, and Globus saw a report on the BBC stating that the phrase 'indigenous British society' was offensive in the BNP manifesto. Might seem a fucking obvious question here, but offensive to whom? Globus is indigenously British, living in Britain, and a member of British society. Who's that offensive to, exactly? As a British taxpayer Globus is curious to find out who's offended by an indigenously British society. Surely most of Britain -is- an indigenously British society. Globus usually knows who he's offended, and why, so it's interesting to think there are some out there he's offended without even knowing about it. Incidentally, this blog has very little contemporary political bias and it's unlikely any political party will get the Globus vote in this year's elections.

That's it folks. Brief news rant over.

Are women the root of all evil?

2009-12-15T11:58:00.004Z

How about this for a swerveball post. Months, well, actually about a year since anything of note got wrote, and here we are again, returned with a rant (albeit briefly).

Well, this post is slightly about wimmin. (pictured above - Julia, one of Globus' friends - not the subject of this rant, but great eye candy) This blog's no stranger to the finery of the female form, but Globus is concerned that the objects of such desire actually are the cause of his recurring downfall.

2009 women recap:

Emotionally, a disaster. Every meaningful relationship Globus has either is falling or has fallen apart. His harem all but vanished, his marriage in tatters, his motivation and self belief shaken to the core. Yup, readers, it's been a bit of a shitter. But hey. We all have growing pains, don't we? The question Globus is now pondering is....what to blog about next. The relationships? The tattered marriage? That girl in the 'Finance' department? Or...nothing at all?

Thank Janine it's Friday!

2009-08-14T12:49:00.005+01:00

Yes, here's some Fri-candy visual feast to celebrate the upcoming weekend. A week of revelation for globus...

- Janine looks uncannily like Abbie
- 'working' from home on a Friday doesn't really work
- British summertime is a myth
- South African girls are hot
- Myspace is still worth visiting - if only for Janine (pictured) and the fact that those sultry foxes the Saturdays are currently gracing the MS homepage
- there's life in the old blog yet :-)

Affairs of the heart

2009-06-06T16:01:00.004+01:00

Crivens! It's June already, and only a couple of blog posts in 2009. This year is going too quick for Globus to keep up. Still, off on holiday for 2 weeks from Monday so mustn't grumble :-)

There are a few reasons why this blog has dwindled - twitter, for one - and also my wife suffered from serious post natal depression in particular at the close of last year, and then had a serious car crash in January. That's meant life was pretty frigging terrible for a while, and naturally the blog's taken a back seat, but I'm reluctant to close it because at times I need to write a post like this one.

This post is about Abbie. She's a girl who works in my company's Accounts team. Abbie caught my eye when she joined the company last Autumn. She's sassy, South African with a VERY cute accent and looks to match, and she fancies the pants off me. Over the past month and a half, we've become close, not in the biblical sense, but emotionally, we're definitely having an affair. Now this isn't a post about the why's and wherefore's - another time maybe. This one is about a lightbulb moment I just had to share with you.

Like most significant occurrences in my life, I tend to mull them over, over-worry and over-analyse about stuff, go round in circles doing some soul-searching, and then if there's nobody to talk to, and when I need answers, I usually go looking on Google. Stick 'getting over an affair' into the search engine and some useful anecdotes and posts come up.

Anyway, back to Abbie. She's single, but has morals, which means she's in turmoil about falling for a married man - and someone who works in the same place as her, to boot. As for me, my marriage has been difficult and I guess her interest was flattering - and I became very attached to her. This week on 2 days we'd arranged to catch up after work but I had to cancel each one - work's been hard taskmaster this week. Abbie wants more of my time than I am able to give right now. She text me yesterday: 'When i'm with you, it's perfect. But when I'm not, it's back to text message, and real life.....how do you think I feel not being able to see you, hear you, touch you?' Abbie then sent me a text telling me she was frustrated and was going to try ignoring me whilst I was on holiday, as it might help, as her head's messed up. So....I mulled this over....over-worried....over-analysed....and then.....

......Googled it, of course. And after doing some reading, I think the only possible outcome for an affair is hurt - even if your spouse remains oblivious. I can't see any way in which an affair can end well - can you? This is my lightbulb moment - I've finally realised infidelity can be extremely destructive and negative. It's also a very isolationist thing - Abbie can't confide in anyone at work, or any friends, as she doesn't want people to think bad of her. I can't confide in anyone but this blog, and at the end of the day, none of that sounds very healthy does it?

So I've decided that rather than try and pursue Abbie - I think I'm gonna let her go. I think it's best for both of us. I'm sure she's in love with me, and I'm know I've fallen for her. And I think letting her go won't change that. But it seems like the 'right' thing to do - don't you think?

2009 is getting better

2009-04-02T16:19:00.007+01:00

By now it's clear this blog might be living on borrowed time. But like what an RBS banker thinks when receiving his bonus cheque, in every bit of gloom there's always light at the end of the tunnel. April's light happens to be German actress Josefine Preuss :-)

2009 is too shit.

2009-02-11T20:38:00.004Z

So, credit crunchers, think you're having a tough time of it?

Jan was fucking dire. Globus managed to :

- get thoroughly stressed at work (ongoing)
- be a victim of credit card fraud
- identify that both his children were definitely psycho's in their former lives
- lose one of his fillings
- eat some dodgy chicken and contract 48 hr food poisoning
- flush one of his contact lenses down the sink (arrgh!)
- fall back into smoking, blaming the economy, global warming and pretty much any other lame excuse

In addition :

- Wife had a serious car crash, also incurring a post-Christmas apocalyptic £400 insurance excess
- Roof tiles of Globus Gables came off in a storm, resulting in (ongoing) storm damage
- Globus' bank decided to withdraw £300 from his account with no notice, in error, 3 days before payday. Despite chasing, 3 weeks later, it's still not refunded! :|
- There's an overspend on the Globus account of around £200 a month. That's a problem
- People keep deleting Globus as a friend on Facebook
- Globus is getting no sex whatsoever.

2009 so far gets the Globus 'nul points' vote. Are things gonna get any better?

Happy New Year Janine

2009-01-06T16:39:00.005Z

Globus didn't intend for his blog new year's resolution to be an eyefest for 6k and ilk, however, amidst all this credit crisis doom and gloom, here's some visually good news - Janine is still friends with Globus on MySpace! Proof indeed that whilst MySpace now sits firmly in Facebook's shadow, shit like dis still justifies its existence :-)

Clicky! Janine's finest moment in 2008

Happy 2009

2009-01-04T17:33:00.003Z

Any repeat visitor would agree it's not been the best few months on the Globus blog but more about that later. In the meantime Globus would like to wish both of his readers a Happy New Year and also celebrate one of his better Christmas presents - the 2009 Avril Lavigne calendar. January's looking up already :-)

The Scout Factory

2008-11-08T16:28:00.004Z

Scam alert! Globus saw The Scout Factory advertised in his local rag, and went along for a laugh with his kids in tow. Their claim is to identify if you have potential to be a model/appear as a TV/film extra, and they will then find suitable agencies for you. Sounds great huh? Sadly the catch - a £249.50 upfront fee catch, no less - only becomes apparent once you've gone through the 'audition'.

Ever heard of 'suspension of disbelief'? That's how these scams get by. Here's the drill :

See above ad in a paper. Groom self (or spawn) and turn up for 'free phototest shot and photograph'. Turn up at average hotel for what appears to be a poor man's X-Factor audition setup. Fill in paperwork which all seems above board, and then get 'auditioned'. Globus and kids were 'scouted' by a 20-year-old model who had been modelling for 2 years - hardly a qualified industry expert. Then the money question - if you want to get you or your kids into modelling with this lot, you have to pay an upfront, on the spot £249.50 fee. (Note the above ad says 'no agency fees'). Apparently if you then don't get placed with an agency in 12 months, you get your money back. Yeah right. Signing up with an agency is hardly the same as becoming the next Kate Moss or Ashton Kutcher. Globus saw plenty of people go for it. Caught up in the moment, he did, too. The ensuing 'portfolio' shots were a seedy-looking cameraman taking 3 hasty shots. The 'free phototest shot' mentioned in the ad turned out to be a quick Polaroid shot!

Later, Globus came to his senses, finding this link about how dodgy this all is, and also this blog which tells you everything you should need to know in order to come to your senses. Globus went back to the hotel and asked politely for a refund. The 'event manager' very discretely took him to a different part of the hotel and refunded his card, no questions asked. She then insisted on escorting Globus off the premises. Globus would advise similar action for any other hapless wannabes. Don't fall for it! Globus also welcomes any comments. Ever been scammed?

Credit crunch Christmas

2008-10-11T08:32:00.003+01:00

Globus returns after some time out due to a family loss, only to discover that you lot have fucked it all up again. Credit crunch courtesy of all this borrowing, buying of gas-guzzling cars, extending of houses, purchasing of second homes, repeat use of Ryanair....well. It's all come back to bite us in the ass.

There -is- some good news amongst the gloom though. We can blame someone else - the banks, for giving us easy lending. Or Gorgon Brown or Dubya Bush, because it's fun to blame them for just about anything. Besides, due to the credit crunch, the US election is no longer boring the crap out of us in all the headlines.

Embarrassed yourself lately? Take heart, as you probably didn't do anything anywhere near as embarrassing as the head of Iceland's central bank, who issued a statement announcing a 4 billion Euro loan from Russia, when Moscow hadn't actually agreed to it. Oops. (Why all this guff about Icelandic banks suddenly, anyway? These are the people who believe in dwarves and elves, and gave us Björk. Since when did we start taking them seriously?). The world is now under less pressure to spend millions reducing carbon emissions, too - when times are tough, people don't give much of a rat's ass about the environment.

All the opponents of the Iraq war have begun to shut up - either because they've lost their jobs, have invested in all that stolen Iraqi gold, or because in the light of a $400bn bailout, a $12bn war doesn't seem so pricey after all. Some things don't change though - anyone else noticed Gorgon Brown actually looks just as miserable and dour a bugger as he did three years ago?

Why Harry Potter is shit

2008-09-21T19:23:00.007+01:00

Globus makes no apology for a 3-week blog break, instead choosing to levy a broadside at JK Rowling.

Rowling's writing has always seemed a little too contrived, somehow, and her place in the Globus pantheon of poppycock is forever confirmed with her £1 million donation to the Labour party. Not the best time to back a loser, so best not ask Rowling for any upcoming racing tips or next week's Lottery numbers.

However, pictured (above) is the best thing to come out of the Harry Potter films - Emma Watson, now 18 years of age.

Office affairs are a bad idea

2008-09-01T17:23:00.007+01:00

A logical post following 'Affairs are a bad idea' is all about office affairs - and Globus feels like his life is writing itself at the moment. (Not in the style of a Dickensian masterpiece, granted. More like some kind of ratshit recant from some nut job high on crack, chained to a wall someplace).

Actually, Globus' life ain't that bad. Let's leave drugs out of it. 3 weeks without nicotine, and after all this stress - if Globus can do it, so can you. Even if you -don't- smoke. Two weeks after starting an affair with a young fox 10 years his junior, Globus strikes Olympic silver (or wooden spoon, perspective dependent) by shagging a co-worker. Who happens to sit next to Globus at work. Yup, the fucking fire's hot in the career kitchen right now, Globus assures you...

'Don't get laid where you get paid' opine the type that look like Ugly Betty or wouldn't even be able to pull a sickie. 'Don't shit where you eat' deride other unfortunates, clearly with issues mistaking work with feeding time. 'Never dip your pen in the company ink'. Who really fucking dips pens in ink any more? Do people even have time to old-fashioned write anymore? Globus hasn't worked for a company that supplies ink in the company stationery cupboard since a previous life in the renaissance. 'Don't shit in your own backyard'. Work isn't a backyard. Surely they mean don't sleep with your neighbour? And no, not even Globus would do that. Farmer Palmer is Globus' neighbour, and sports outrageous nasal hair. Globus' other neighbour however is quite cute; although she'd need to bleach her moustache first.

Yes, Globus has heard it all before, but still maintains sex with colleagues is, actually, some of the best sex out there. There's always something slightly unrequited-ish about it, and the thrill of the forbidden is strong. Plus you get to bitch about work safely and to an interested audience. Try that with your spouse and it's usually a matter of time until their eyes go a tad glassy as you complain about that guy from IT with the heavy metal T-shirts and bad dentistry. Yes, there is something to be said for some office-located rumpy-pumpy. Until you get found out, of course, but then perhaps that's what career changes (or the dole queue) are for.

Affairs are a bad idea

2008-08-25T20:31:00.004+01:00

Globus has been preoccupied of late, hence the blog-drought. Pictured left is the reason why; Globus has actually been having a steamy affair with this fine specimen. The latest (and possibly concluding) chapter of this tryst is that he now has competition; she's met someone else - leading Globus to surmise that if you are going to do the dirty, there are five fundamental facts you need to accept. Inevitably, if in a long-term relationship, and unless you're pug-ugly, the temptation to play away from home will arise at some point, so do yourself a favour and apply these rules of thumb :

1) If you succumb to temptation, make sure your 'temptee' is either a) in a relationship as well, b) a complete stranger charging you by the hour, or c) someone totally outside of your family/friends social circle.
2) Never, ever, promise them anything.
3) Never, ever let your emotions into it.
4) Never, ever, let them call you on your mobile.
5) Never, ever, EVER, add them to Facebook.

More fundamental truths would be ensuing, but sadly Globus has a rather pressing appointment with a bottle of Tempranillo. (Globus hasn't incurred any of the last 3, but knows he's got emotionally involved, as otherwise he wouldn't be feeling so fucked up, would he?)

Traffico

2008-08-17T19:31:00.004+01:00

Globus remains troubled by his visitors, who type this shit in to end up here :

limited profile facebook ex (and 'facebook ex', 'delete ex from facebook', etc. - just fucking delete the bitch will ya?)
ryanair is shit (the word is spreading...)
chipped shower tray (wtf?)
shit showers (wtf is dat?)
natalie dormer smoke (probably)
globus syndrome blog (painful stuff)
new qpr logo (now we're talkin...)
hannah curnow (now we're talkin...)
natalie dormer (most search-worthy)
globus blogus (gratifying - or mebbe hello, stalker!)
lovely janine (true, but HOW generic?!)

How NOT to stop smoking

2008-08-14T07:07:00.004+01:00

Globus has come off the rails following his much-vaunted attempt to stop smoking. So if you are trying to stop smoking, here are 10 tips to guarantee you, too, will never kick the filthy habit :

1) Make no changes to your daily routine. Smoke driving to work each day? Keep making the same journey. Smoke at certain times of the day? Don't replace the fag break. Jump at every chance you get to go out and socialise in your usual haunts with your normal, cigarette-wielding social cronies, too. The temptation will just be too much.
2) Keep a lighter in your car or pocket 'just in case'. Rather than being able to jump quickly to the defence of some cave wench needing fire, you'll quickly realise indeed your fart-lighting days are also over, and it's just far too easy to complete the duo by purchasing a packet of cigs at the next petrol station. There's no smoke without fire.
3) Add some new stresses into your life. Moving house, job, or getting involved with an unsuitable woman are three favourites. Globus can vouch for numbers 2 and 3 in particular at the moment but that's another story. Guaranteed to have any nicotine-head charging implacably towards the nearest tobacco vendor.
4) Go cold turkey. Who said stopping smoking is easy? No fucking way, sunshine, it ain't. That's why so many smokers die of lung cancer. They can't stop. Quit without aids, and it's impossible.
5) Eat really unhealthily and don't drink enough water. That way your body will feel truly punished, will turn on you and make you ill and miserable, and your old friend the cigarette will be waiting in the wings to offer comfort again. It's an easy slope to slide down.
6) Drink shitloads of alcohol. It's a well-known fact that fags and booze go together like the Chinese Olympic Committee and rigged ceremonies. Simply drink more alcohol, fuelling the desire to smoke more, until your already stuttering willpower collapses in the face of drunken rationale.
7) Think seriously about the health of those around you. Let's face it, believe the hype and you'll think that all smokers are responsible for costing the Health Service millions a year in treatment for lung cancer etc. Total horseshit. The cost of treating smoking-related diseases in the UK is around a third of all tax revenue the government actually earns from taxing cigarettes. Stop smoking, deprive the government of its revenue, and you'll really fuck up our Health Service.
8) You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Well, if you did, wouldn't it be a bastard to have spent the last 24 hours of your paltry life craving nicotine and suffering from withdrawal?
9) Remember James Bond smoked. Who is cooler than that? Even if you have teeth like a bombed-out graveyard and weigh about 20 stone, you can still kid yourself.
10) Fight the ban! Globus believes anything New Labour have banned needs fighting - from the Fox Hunting ban to the Smoking Ban. Just out of principle, just because they are Labour, and just because we'd love to blow toxic, carbon-monoxidous smoke into Blair's smug face.

You R's!

2008-08-09T21:19:00.003+01:00

The football season kicks off with a pleasing QPR 2-1 Barnsley result. Globus once had a fight with some Barnsley fans after QPR's memorable FA Cup 3-1 home win, maybe there's something in the water in Yorkshire.

Cookie (Lee Cook, pictured) is also back at Loftus Road for the season - result.

Not so great for sport elsewhere - the cricket's rained off, and the Olympics are just too bastard early to watch, aren't they?

Hit, miss or maybe

2008-08-03T19:51:00.004+01:00

Hit - Globus receives a £1800 bonus he wasn't expecting :-)
Miss - Mrs G quickly invests almost all of the bonus in her 'retail therapy' programme
Maybe - Still a chance Globus might blag that Nintendo DS he has his eye on

Hit - Globus gets quoted in an article in a UK newspaper this weekend
Miss - It's the fucking Sunday Mirror
Maybe - The quote actually makes Globus sound like he knows his stuff ;-)

Hit - Globus' neighbour, Farmer Palmer, gives Globus a 10 litre box of red wine!
Miss - Judging from the tannins and palate, Globus suspects it might actually be red diesel
Maybe - Globus might save his fuel bills by powering his vehicles on this for the next month

Hit - Globus starts a new and decidedly textual relationship with a promising young filly
Miss - She lives the other end of the country, in the ass end of nowhere
Maybe - the temporary pause to Globus becoming a reformed man

QPR girl - Hannah Curnow

2008-07-29T07:45:00.004+01:00

A pretty girl wearing your team's colours is usually a rarity, unless you've paid her - chiefly as most female football players look more akin to a scrum than some scrumpy. QPR Ladies' Hannah Curnow however (pictured, modelling the new QPR away strip) isn't bad at all.

Sadly these pictures don't do the lovely Hannah justice, however, the one below is a great example of how, as a photographer, you should always take into account the wind when you press the shutter. Good work!

Newsround

2008-07-16T20:17:00.005+01:00

Wtf is happening in the world?

Petrol
The Gorgon's UK Labour Party confirm they won't increase gas by 2p a litre. Clearly the upcoming Glasgow East by-election is the hidden agenda here. Funny thing is, Labour are on a downward spiral anyway so this just fuels the fire of their demise. Sorry Gorgon but 2p is fuck all when you still tax over 60% of every litre of petrol sold you dour-faced, Gummidge-brained twunt!

War
Obama claims to end the war in Iraq in 16 months if he gets in, whilst Warmonger McCain says 'it's not that simple'. Neither seem to get the fact that nobody wanted fucking war in the first place. We just want to listen to our ipods, go on holiday, eat cheeseburgers, and do Playstation. The world shakes with terror that either of these numbskulls might be in charge of the world's biggest polluter sometime soon. Bring back Morgan Freeman!

Government
We'd better get used to David Cameron being in charge next. Fuck it, Globus would vote for Sooty provided it meant the Gorgon et al were dumped into posterity. The sad shit for Cameron though is that he'll inherit the recession and become the unpopular party whilst trying to drag us Brits out of Labour's turgid legacy.

Totty
Miss Halton is getting grief from the locals as she hails from Leeds. Halton's such a dump, they have to import women 'not from these parts' who don't even passingly resemble a sheep's hindquarters. Globus feels sorry for poor Janeena, being burdened with 'Halton' in her title.

Sport
Nottingham Forest play some German team (Offenwhere?) on 18th July. To the total asshole Forest fan he encountered today, Globus hopes with all his heart they fucking lose.

Quote
"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., May 2008

Stuff just ain't built to last anymore.

2008-07-13T09:56:00.004+01:00

Globus' bank manager agrees with him - it's been a costly summer so far. Ever have one of those months when it seems everything keeps breaking or needing replacing? Since mid-May Globus has so far had to get in a new fridge-freezer, a replacement washing machine, new tyres for both his cars, a new lawnmower, a new strimmer, his website admin has broken so he can't update, and now he has some technical probs with his digicam and storage, meaning he has lost shitloads of his pics. Like Japanese coachwork, or 5-year old Ford cars, mechanical stuff these days just don't seem built to last. However, the good/shite balance is restored, as whilst Globus is unable to access his Beach Girl pics, his weekend was made by Rene, who he'd lost touch with, adding him on Facebook :-)

Rene, currently vying with Janine as this blog's top talent.

Ending an affair

2008-07-10T20:13:00.005+01:00

Globus is feeling fucked off, but isn't convinced he either a) should be, or b) has a right to be.

Globus has been having an 'affair' until relatively recently. Well, kind of. 'Bout 4 years back, he met a girl, typically not his type at all, at a work-related function in Belgium. Let's call her Linh. She was quite pretty, but Globus didn't register her on his radar at all. However, she seemed quite interested in him, and there's always something alluring about someone expressing an interest, isn't there? Mobile numbers were swapped, and after a number of texts, Linh and Globus began meeting up whenever their respective travels took them the same way, around 4-6 times a year. Linh was a great mistress - horny as hell, low maintenance, and not the bunny-boiling, needy, flowers-demanding type that Hollywood depicts. She was low-key, sassy, smart, and great in the sack, too. But there was no emotional mind-fucking whatsoever. She had a long-term boyfriend already, so the odds were evenly stacked. Linh also didn't seem to give a shit that Globus always forgot her birthday, either. There was no ill-will, everything was upfront, and Globus found Linh to be good company as well.

Around this time last year was the last time that Globus met up with Linh, and then, Globus told her he was expecting his second kid. Shortly thereafter, Globus picked up something amiss (and we're not talking STD's). Linh started not replying to some of his texts, and seemed distant whenever she did reply. Globus got busy when his new baby arrived in Oct, and several months passed with no contact.

That brings us to around April this year. Globus texted Linh to ask what was up, and she told him that she was tired of lying to her boyfriend, and as a reality check, that Globus was married, now had two kids, and maybe it was about time to call it a day. You know when people ask you things and you can tell they have already made up their mind - and you know they are probably right anyway? So with no other option on the table, Globus agreed, as curtly as you can by text, merely saying 'ok'. Linh said she wanted to keep in touch and see how Globus was doing, and that was pretty much that. Globus wasn't convinced there was much point in keeping in touch now that rumpy-pumpy was off the cards, besides the obvious spouse-discovering-incriminating-texts-on-the-Globus-mobile risk.

Globus then got a text last weekend from Linh wishing him Happy Birthday, and he texted back to find out how Linh was doing, any plans for marriage, kids etc., to which Linh responded today with 'I did get married very recently. Thought we would eventually and course couldnt say no to a big rock. Was very quick and simple x'

Globus was about to text back demanding to know why she was only just telling him now, but decided to air his thoughts on this blog instead. He feels a bit fucked off, but as above, isn't sure he should be. Is now the time to lay Linh to rest? Should he reply to that text?

Blog blues

2008-07-08T20:00:00.003+01:00

Globus feels like he's been in decline since Feb. His blog peaked with 23 entries, and in June, saw just 4 updates. At the same time as losing interest in blogging, he's lost readers, and lost inspiration. It became impossible to comment meaningfully on any peers' blogs. Even the pictures of Janine from MySpace don't seem as fun anymore.

But hey, enough of that morose shit. It's July, and the sun's shining (in Qatar, anyway - sure as fuck it ain't here in England). Globus has spent the past few months mostly masturbating and having a mid-life crisis and didn't fancy drag this blog through that. Plus he lost his pix of Beach Girl and can no longer blog from work - that sucks.

Globus has decided to start saying Yes again. Someone recently asked him 'are you going to start writing on your blog more often?'. That's a Yes, hence this entry. Sadly, Globus also said Yes to three nights out in a row this weekend just gone, which is why this post is a tad jaded as he recovers. Other notable Yeses so far this month include Globus agreeing to run a 10 kilometre 'Race For Life' later this year. Smuggling bootleg alcohol off a boat in Wales is the closest Globus has come to running anything in the past ten years, so it'll be interesting.

TFI Friday

2008-07-04T07:55:00.004+01:00

Globus has the classic salesman's Friday ahead - a strategically-arranged meeting late morning, which obviates his need to be in the office either AM or PM, resulting in an early finish and start to the weekend. Happy days. And why not? Sunday is Globus' birthday, (21 again..) and he has no idea what has been arranged for him this weekend. It's been quite a week - bet on 7 races last Friday night, and won a mere 2, then was dragged out on a memorable bender in Chester. (Corporate hospitality at the races is a mixed boon - Globus ended up going through 7 different types of drink, definite hangover hari-kiri)

Saturday saw Globus recuperating from his hangover on a boat outside Wales, and further achievements this week were agreeing to do a 10k 'Race For Life' and kind of buying a monkey. This Friday sees Globus herald in the weekend in customary style with some top quality totty.

Weekend ahoy

2008-06-27T16:04:00.006+01:00

With a sense of relief that Friday hits, Globus hopes you have a good weekend. He's spending tonight with some choice fillies - in fact off to the races this evening to doubtless lose a wad of cash on some ill-advised betting.
With 7 races ahead, he fancies his chances at 50-50 success, but with private full hospitality in a box, suspects the champagne might flow a bit too freely to allow considered betting ;-)

Ryanair baggage charges

2008-06-26T20:24:00.006+01:00

Globus remembers sitting on a great beach by Jennifer Saunders' villa on the Costa Brava last year, chilling out. A well to-do family came and sat near him, and quickly he realised their heads were well up their own asses. Their braying haw haw began to seriously spoil some good beaching. He found himself getting particularly irked by one of the horse-faced girls, neighing fucking loudly into her mobile phone to her 'dahhlink' back in London about how awful it had been using 'budget' flights that year.

Hindsight being what it is, Globus now concedes the twuntish toff had a point. Like Estonian wine, it's true cheap isn't necessarily good.

On his recent holiday to Spain, Globus flew with Ryanair, to discover how shit Ryanair's baggage policy is. Whilst Sleazyjet give you 20kgs baggage allowance, Ryanair's is a miserly 15kg - fucking inadequate if going for a 2-week stint to anywhere (apart from maybe prison). Just when Globus thought that this budget airline, championed by Michael O'Leary, was totally lowlife, it managed to find a new depth - baggage charges.

Globus ended up 4kg over his baggage allowance, and was advised he'd be charged £12 per kilo! Fuck that shit. The poker-faced ex-communist check-in girl suggested he step to one side and remove some items from his luggage. Glancing at the lengthening queue behind him, Globus winced, decided against throwing a shit fit in public, and conceded paying the extra £48 for an easy life, only to blog derisively about twunt O'Leary later.

It took Globus over an hour to check in, the queue being so long at one point he suspected someone was giving out blowjobs at the end of it. The activity alongside resembled a strafed line of refugees fleeing a war zone - beleaguered travellers, weary and losing patience, with half-plundered luggage strewn haplessly about. Young families were rifling through their belongings, discarding heavy and disposable items, to avoid being charged extra. Grubby-faced, wide-eyed children roamed around, missing only a begging bowl to complete the scene. Globus half-expected a UN Aid worker or two to turn up any minute, or perhaps a couple of Mugabe's men with ballot box in one hand and AK47 in the other. Globus felt sympathy for his co-travellers, at this new and embarrassing ordeal Ryanair subject us to.

Globus hereby solemnly and publicly pledges to never, ever travel with bastard Ryanair ever again.

Ay caramba! Beach Girl discovered.

2008-06-21T22:09:00.006+01:00

Globus is fresh in from another aviation excrutiation (i.e. he was cattle-herded via Ryanair) but more about that later. It'll make a good rant post but Globus is too tired right now. O'Leary* can fuck off, as he didn't spoil Globus having a great fortnight in Spain, enjoying the best weather in Europe whilst the British weather's been as shit and watery as the finest Polish table wine.

This is why he's posting a pic of his latest obsession - Beach Girl - and feeling rather smug about his (rapidly fading) suntan. Doubtless by tomorrow once he's caught up, he'll be feeling as miserable as the next downtrodden British male; his ego (and libido) diluted by ugly weather girls depicting even uglier weather; miserable compatriots complaining about everything; and not a bikini in sight.

*Michael O'Leary is the Head of Ryanair; in reality he's a gobby diminutive who'll charge any fucker for any fucking thing given half the chance. The net result of this is that you and I get royally ripped off, and Globus hates being taken for an asshole.

What's in a name?

2008-06-04T19:32:00.010+01:00

Globus read an article recently which reminded him of a visit to the extremely average German town of Wank some years back. Arguably the most amusingly-named place he's visited, he wonders if any of his readers can better that.

Then he discovered that it wasn't just Wank's inhabitants who had a cross to bear.

Pity the poor souls who hail from such lovely English villages as Bell End, Crapstone, Penistone, Balls Green and Bitchfield.

Globus pities the beleaguered folk residing in Shitterton.

One has to wonder how much ASBO, anti-social behaviour and delinquency happens on the streets of a place cursed with the name Tosside.

Globus has images of cross-table chit-chat with fellow Brits on holiday.
'So where are you from?' -'Twatt.' Priceless.

If only Ryanair's O'Leary hailed from Twatt. Now that'd be appropriate.

I'd Do Anything result - British public fuck up again

2008-05-31T21:13:00.008+01:00

Globus has been watching the BBC's 'I'd Do Anything' for the past weeks. It's one of these popular talent shows, searching for someone to play Nancy in the 'Oliver' musical opening in London's West End later this year. Tonight's final saw Jodie (pictured right), a 28 year old from Blackpool, pitted against Jessie, an 18 year old from Ireland.

Aside from Jessie having that superb southern Irish accent, she's also far fitter, and far more Nancy, so far as Globus is concerned. The British public have voted Jodie to win, yet another example of how shit so many people in the UK actually are. This reminds Globus of this spam email he received :

"Obituary - Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned, but overbearing, regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teenagers suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they had themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer paracetamol, sun lotion or plaster to a pupil, but could not inform the parents when a pupil became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home, but the burglar could sue you for assault because you protected yourself and your own.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, sued, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. (Globus notes - Of course coffee's fucking hot - TWUNT.)

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised that he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing."

Spring clean update part 1

2008-05-28T20:36:00.005+01:00

Globus ain't been blogging much, as he's actually been busy having a life. Or rather, trying to sort his out. Trying to Spring Clean everything and make it all spick and span. To be honest, that's a fucking life's work in itself.

Suddenly Globus has begun to question everything. Mid-life crisis, or just time to face reality?
At this point it's worth being a tad self-indulgent. It's my blog, so why not?

Globus was reasonably happy with life. Work was going ok, although he'd been passed over for a promotion, which rankled. If work snub you on something which you feel you've earnt, is it a sure sign you should move on?

Globus then got head-hunted, and accepted the new job. Is a change as good as a rest, or are we just kidding ourselves?

Globus has a weakness for mistresses, and the past 6 months has seen the list of lady friends shrink - partly due to natural selection, partly due to a baby with colic (the best antidote to any type of sexual relationship, let alone a mistress). And partly due to a reality check. Globus suddenly felt tired, and old (well, 30's), with two kids, a marriage, and responsibility. The penny finally began to drop. Is it time to grow up?

Globus gave up drugs last year, and doesn't miss them - although cigarettes and alcohol still count, and he still indulges in both. Globus accepts that alcohol is one of life's constants, but the cigs....these are a mug's game, and there are better and more enjoyable ways to kill yourself slowly, aren't there?*

The Spring Clean....this isn't the beginning. Or the end. This is just the end of the beginning. Uhh, oops. Aren't there only about 3 days of Spring left. Fuck!

*Supporting QPR, for instance.

OCD, dear readers...

2008-05-21T10:29:00.005+01:00

Globus isn't sure whether to be troubled or titillated by his readers 'fessing up their OCD foibles. Here's the top 5 :

Amy - stores media by alphabet AND date of release - crivens! Bludgeons visitors to near-death if they incorrectly replace a CD or DVD on the rack in the wrong spot.

Earl - despite his life being a mess, clearly resists attempts to grow up by compulsing over his collection of comics.

Deejay - frequent domestic standoffs revolving around which direction the Brita water jug is facing in the fridge. Must be a pretty quiet household - Globus tends to fall out with the missus over more nuclear-type stuff like affairs, money, kids, car crashes etc.

GirlWithTheMask - avoids public conveniences and admits to being constipated in public, frequently.

As an aside, Globus has almost finished Allen Carr's book so his time as a filthy smoker is almost up. Any tips (not sex or alcohol related) to help him on his new journey sans smokes would be most welcome. He's feeling stressed just thinking about it.

Globus will be offline most of this week, larging it up in Spain. Have fun :-)

Obsessive Compulsive, moi?

2008-05-15T19:31:00.006+01:00

Globus Blogus OCD CV

Sock and Underwear drawer - tidy and outwardly presentable. Partly explains why Globus always rotates the same 7 pairs of grundies to avoid messing it up.

Petrol Filling Stations - proven track record in ending the amount on the pump at a nice round figure. £32.01, £32.15 or £32.49 just won't do, it must be £33.00. Feels cheated if he has to settle for £32.50. Partly explains his high fuel bills.

Escalators - excels in treading onto the second step on escalators - even with perpetual risk of falling ass over tit.

Sending SMS - Glbs cnt brng hmslf 2 rite txt spk when sndin SMS. It just has to be proper diction, with the vowels intact, don't you know.

Pavement manhole covers - professional cover dodger. Can't walk across three or more manhole covers in a row. Two is the maximum.

Hoarder - Collects wine bottle corks, boxes of matches, etc. for no apparent reason.

Enjoys music - an expert storer of all CD's in alphabetical and size order.

Good at asking (intrusive) questions - 'Wonder how that smug bastard would react if I smashed my fist in his face?'. 'What'd happen if I drove my car through that crash barrier?'

Uses own initiative - can't drop a log in a public toilet if someone's in the next cubicle. Has to wait patiently until they've gone. Also has to put toilet lid down after each use.

High Standards - washes hands at least 10 times a day. Can't leave dirty washing up in sink overnight. Can't drive a car with bird shit on - needs cleaning off first.

______________

Globus resigns himself to the fact he has some classic OCD traits. He suspects he's not alone.

Allen Carr - The Easy Way to Stop Smoking

2008-05-12T21:04:00.003+01:00

Expletive free! Well, it's been 3 weeks-ish since Globus pledged to stop smoking. It's not been an easy one. Temptation continues to abound, with nights out, smoking peers, stress, and self-doubt all lurking to trap the unwary. Globus has come off the rails a few times.

To err is human, but to not learn from your mistakes can be fatal, can't it? This is why he's sitting down to do a bit of reading and get back on the right track.

Globus really recommends Allen Carr's Easy Way. The book (pictured left) is pretty much the extension of the common sense approach. But it represents more than that. The book enables you to keep smoking as you read it, culminating in the final cigarette when you finish. Once you reach the end of that journey, you should be set to smoke no more. Globus is halfway through, which is one of the reasons the blog's been quiet lately. Too much reading/smoking goin' on.

Smoking does, in many ways, brainwash you into thinking you depend on it, need it and can't do without it. You can see the health warnings, and you're not stupid. However you still ignore them. To be honest, it's got similarity with falling hopelessly for a woman who's bad for you. Your mates try to tell you it's a bad call, but you do anything but heed their warnings.

Smoking-wise Carr's book helps you to unravel this brainwashing and, essentially, replace it with the mantra that you don't actually need to smoke to enjoy life. It's a message worth taking on board. Globus is just left scratching his head wondering what new vice would be good to replace it with.

New QPR club crest

2008-05-10T07:17:00.010+01:00

The best football team in the world (according to Globus) is potentially changing its club crest on its way to greatness.

Globus quite likes the new QPR logo, although like many brand/logo changes, it's always a mixed bag, and often, the old one was always better :

Remember when they tried to change Coco Pops to 'Choco Crispies'? Chod. Or when they changed Opal Fruits to 'Starburst'? Horseshit. Royal Mail tried to change their name to 'Consignia'. Totally toilet. (Maybe if they HAD changed their name, the fucking service would have improved). Salt & Vinegar crisp packs used to be blue, and Cheese & Onion, green. Now it's vice versa, but for some reason Globus thinks the old way was best.

Americanisation saw Marathon changed to Snickers, that shucks. Pedigree Chum (Pedigree Pal in Europe) changed to Pedigree. Ruff. Oil of Ulay became Olay. One day, Vauxhall will become Opel, but they'll still be shit cars. British Airways changed the designs on their aircraft tailfins, confusing the crap out of everyone. Norwich Union are changing their name to 'Aviva'. WHY?

Who hell decides all this ratshit? Perhaps it's all the work of the same design agency - who need to be sacked, clearly. Globus also hears on the grapevine that Millets is soon changing to Blacks, but isn't sure anyone gives much of a fuck about that one.

UN Fucked-up names policy

2008-05-06T20:44:00.006+01:00

Just in! The UN's fucked up names policy - revealed!

Globus isn't sure about the criteria for being United Nations Secretary-General, but clearly having an amusingly fucked-up name is top of the bill, followed as a close second by having winsome, saintly male-Mother-Theresa features, and thirdly a Morgan-Freeman-in-'Deep-Impact' type gravitas. What's in a name? Here are the pick of the bunch :

1940's - Gladwyn Jebb; who then got replaced by Trygve Lie; (pseudonyms from a shifty tabloid's 'personals' section?)
1960's - U Thant (cleft-palate tourettes attempt at 'You c*nt'?)
1980's - Javier Perez de Cuellar (sounds vintny - Globus suspects the 1982 vintage is best)
1990's - Boutros Boutros-Ghali (a particularly virulent STD?)
2000 - Kofi Annan (Globus can't take anyone with beverage as their first name seriously)
2007 - Ban Ki-Moon - (an Ex-Eastenders character, or the latest CBeebies incarnation?)

Most of these rival any of Globus' funny names. He once worked with a girl called 'Sunshine Hall' (she -did- smile a lot), went to school with 'Abigail (Abbie) Birthday' and had an English teacher called 'Mr. Dick'. He also once got taught German by Frau Fleischhacker (lit. trans = 'flesh hacker'). Mein Gott!

A week in the blog

2008-05-03T13:52:00.007+01:00

A hell of a fucking week, ain't it? Kylie Minogue gets awarded the Order of Arts and Letters by the French for her 'contribution to the enrichment of French culture'. Mon Dieu, these were the people who gave us Monet, Renoir, Camembert, the need for two World Wars, Frogs Legs on the menu, and Melissa Theuriau. Now they're paying homage to an ex-neighbours star. Oh la la, the irony. Knowing the French, there's bound to be a hidden agenda. Perhaps they were secretly paying homage to generations of French teenagers mashing off over Le Smash Hits pics of Minogue plastered on their bedroom walls.

Boris Johnson becomes Mayor of London. This amuses on two levels; partly because it fucks off Livingstone and The Gorgon's Labour party, and partly because Johnson's just a funny old fish. Globus is just glad he's not in London; whilst he rates Boris, he'd hate to have to take him too seriously :-)

Those greedy, penny-pinching Paddy potshits, Ryanair, have also discovered yet another way to charge us mo' money. They'll be adding a surcharge for oxygen, next. On the subject of travel, Globus also notes petrol prices creeping up to 109p per litre in the UK - fucking fleecing us rotten, in the process, whilst Shell and BP announce record profits due to the all-time high price per barrel of oil. Those assholes!

With the exception of Boris Johnson, Globus is beginning to think perhaps this wasn't such a great week after all.....

Ode to the ex girlfriend - Part 2

2008-04-26T13:32:00.007+01:00

Globus has received some comments regarding his post about his ex-girlfriend. Whilst Globus concedes his posts are vitriolic, he thinks a point is being missed here. Mr E. Twunt writes :

"Why are our universities turning out selfish up-their-own-arse little shites who think just because some woman rejects them they have every right to be this ungallant. Where's my bloody glove and my second? Pistols at dawn?

Personally I think if you can't find anything nice to say about your exes then you should top yourself for the good of society. We can do without selfish little shits who think they are gods gift."

Globus (apart from being a fucking good shot) wonders why he'd have anything nice to say about a particularly spiteful, unpleasant ex. He also wonders what benefits there actually are, generally, in staying in good contact with an ex when there are no kids or real estate involved (aside from the obvious rumpy-pumpy if they were good in the sack).

Twunt continues with what Globus feels is actually a valid point :

"but it saddens me looking at the comments that so few people defend the honour of the lady. Even if she doesn't have any honour it is still important to defend it just to preserve the niceties of society."

Globus feels someone without honour doesn't really deserve defense, so stands by his original post, but notes it is interesting no-one was inclined to side with the ex. Good job, too, the fucking cow.

Janine from MySpace

2008-04-24T19:42:00.004+01:00

Globus hasn't really had much to complain about lately, hence the lack of blog. Even the non-smoking has been ~~fucking difficult~~ ok - Globus has been too busy most days, and too drunk most nights, to even consider a smoke. Such a good week, even the lovely Janine from MySpace (pictured right) has been posting more eye candy.

Alas with inevitability one day Janine will find the Globus blog, and kick his ass for posting her pics. But until then....nyuk nyuk nyuk :-)

Weekly report - must do better.

2008-04-20T09:49:00.013+01:00

Weekly aims - sleep, chill, no smoking. List of shitty DIY jobs to complete. Aim to update blog.
Weekly reality - too much party, too little sleep, DIY stress, blog neglect :-( and a few smokes.

Monday
Cigarettes - nil. Feeling ok. Who needs cigarettes anyway? Copious wine of an evening compensates perfectly. DIY jobs - nil. Attempted fitting blackout blinds to kids' windows in a bid to stop the fuck-awful 6am wake-up-starts. These bastard blinds are satan's work, punishing the DIY novice. Easy to fit in 3 steps my ass. Job postponed. Blog update distracted by another ex-girlfriend selecting 'add friend' in Facebook. Why?
Tuesday
Cigarettes - nil. DIY jobs - nil. Blinds can wait - bastards. This no smoking lark ain't so bad. Must buy in some mo' red wine. Hit blogger's block so added ex on limited profile, with aim of deleting in a few days to piss her off.
Wednesday
Mark is a bastard, taunting with those Marlboro Lights. On a whinging note, what do kids and old folk have in common? Both the fuckers get up too bastard early of a morn. Decide that the DIY and not smoking both suck ass, a party invite in Europe coincides with time to ~~bury head in sand~~ fuck off to some mates and get some space. Blogger being twuntish to upload so decide to book something lastminute online instead.
Thursday
When Globus lived in Austria some years back, he sported a mullet and a 'tache. Happily both Austria and Globus have improved since then. Hit the beer halls early. Not smoking is now fucking awful. Mates are hardly sympathetic, particularly Pieter who smokes like a fucking crematorium. Schweinhund!
Friday
Wake up in Austria with thumping hangover. Realise that the 'Cloud' nightclub, like 'The Carleton' in Morecambe, is a hub for the ugliest women in Western Europe to congregate. The two cigarettes smoked last night felt like nicotinous nails driving into the old lungs. Stopping is definitely the right thing. Tonight's party might be a problem particularly with Pieter in tow.
Saturday
Wake up in Austria with thumping hangover. Had a few smokes last night too, and feel like a scrawny weakling. But hey, nobody's perfect, and we all have off days. Great party, wine, wenches, revelry, great times. Day spent mostly recuperating in the mountain air. Escaping from reality for a while sure is great, but Globus is getting too old for this.
Sunday
Back to reality, and on a guilt trip. Cigarettes - nil. DIY jobs - all done, and those ratshit blinds look crooked and don't fucking work right either. After a week with a few lazy transgressions, the non-smoking now resumes bigtime. Feel more uptight than usual and in withdrawal however the hedonism of this week can't continue. With the new job starting tomorrow, Spring Clean starts anew come Monday, wish Globus luck :-)

Stopping smoking - part 2

2008-04-13T09:05:00.006+01:00

Globus is quite a simple man, and has four main vices. Wenching (bad performance), blogging (could do much better), drinking (showing promise) and smoking (highly competent).

Smokes-wise, it's been a ~~total fuckup~~ notable failure since the last attempt to quit the old gasper sticks. Inspired by two things - his own bold claim, and a fellow blogger's attempt, he's trying again.

Bold Claim After he'd got headhunted by another company, Globus vowed if he got offered the job, he'd stop smoking. That was about 4 weeks ago. In a week's time he starts the new job, so the writing's on the wall. In fact, Globus has decided tomorrow (Monday) is definitely Q-Day. He's out to buy his last 10-pack of Marlboro Lights in a minute. Any tips or advice welcome. Wish me luck!

Blonde’s attempt is here and she's faltering. Stick with it, it'll be worth it, plus Globus needs a crutch as he's going Cold Turkey. Another blogger he knows is also quitting but Globus can't remember who the hell it is....

Previous posts on smoking
Quitting smoking - Failing at stopping smoking - New Year's Resolutions

Monkey business. Animal of the month.

2008-04-13T07:10:00.004+01:00

Globus had a most peculiar dream about Piggsy from Monkey Magic last night so decided the monkey had to be April's animal of the month. Globus actually has more links to the simian than he thought :

- Globus received a monkey from the Tax man last month (that's £500 to you northerners)
- He fondly recalls how much he used to love the madness which was 'Monkey Magic'
- He knows the names of the three wise monkeys (Mizaru, Mikazaru and Mazaru, if you're interested)
- He reads an excellent Monkey blog (sorry Goz - APE blog)
- He remembers being severely troubled for some time by a Richard Attenborough documentary about proboscis monkeys. They just seem to pick their asses and hump each other all the time. Lucky bastards.
- Banana splits definitely get the thumbs up.
- Globus was once attacked by a monkey in Thailand - and won.
- Planet of The Apes was class.
- Every office should have its own monkey.

Aren't monkeys great?

Last day at work

2008-04-11T13:05:00.005+01:00

Today Globus has his last day at work. He's leaving one leading dotcom for another, but with mo' money and a shorter commute. Today he's also managed to subtly swipe enough stationery, associate gifts, contact details, post-it notes and pens to keep a small Chinese chop-shop going for about five years.

Leaving one job and going to another, Globus observes it's a really mixed bag emotion-wise isn't it? Half of you's sad, in a way, if you're lucky enough to have a decent workplace and colleagues. The other half's full of excitement and anticipation - like the day you graduated or left school, when ahead of you lay the brave unknown. It's a scary, but at the same time, extremely exhilarating time. Globus is going to try and make the most of this moment in his life - feeling like this doesn't come along that often.

Globus now has a week off. Happy days :-)

Sherbet, anyone? Blogaholics beware.

2008-04-10T09:40:00.006+01:00

Have you read Jon's 'Drunk on your own words' post yet? True, it needs a few more expletives, like 'fuck', 'twunt' or ideally 'cock', but that aside it makes some good points. Globus thinks blogging's like alcohol. Only cheaper, and not so fizzy. Here's 8 random reasons why.

Inhibition - Blogging can strip away inhibitions. E.g. the way people deal with criticism or trolls, lashing out in a way they never would in real life, or maybe just the lack of self censorship. Globus observes people saying stuff in a blog that they'd never say in a million years in mixed company or face-to-face meetings. Everything from details of their sexual encounters (more, please) to political opinions and bigotry. Is it interesting human interest or “over share”? You decide …
Arrogance - We've all come across the cocky drunk. Sometimes, it's even Globus, for fuck's sake. The “I'll take on anyone in the room” type. People can take a blog audience as confirmation of their infallibility and fame. It's a good ego boost.
Despair - Just like alcohol enhances both good and bad moods, blogs can either make you feel more connected or exaggerate your feelings of being unloved and alone. People often ask Globus why nobody visits. Why no-one comments? Why doesn’t anyone like my blog? Globus usually suggests they give up writing about ratshit, and just get a fucking life. However just like when the booze alters your judgment, sometimes it's difficult to be objective about our blogging so we continue as we always have while getting more unhappy.
Buzz - People drink for the buzz, for that elevation of mood. Blogging can make you happy, and can make you super-friendly. This is great but don’t let it loosen your grip on reality. Being pally is fine but not every visitor wants to be your friend. When drinking hold on to your wallet and keys, when blogging look after your passwords and privacy. This is why Globus keeps his blog quite separate from his daily circle.
Hangover - Inevitably reality sets in and you look at recent events objectively. You have to clean up your mess and feel the sting of shame every time you remember what you said or did. Globus knows all about this one. Best plan is to blog or rant with caution!
Addiction - Let's face it, blogging can be addictive, just like a glass or two of the old sherbets. Checking visitor stats, comments, coming up with new posts, playing with the blog layout, etc.
Ugly birds - Yes, they're out there, waiting to trap the unwary.
Poor judgment - Post in haste, repent at leisure. Again, best plan is to blog or rant with caution!

The answer might be “don’t drink”, but like most things in life, Globus thinks both alcohol and blogging are best in moderation. And more fun if you go on a right frigging bender every now and then.

Is Globus blog drunk? Are you a blogaholic?

Ode to the ex girlfriend - Part 1

2008-04-07T06:38:00.009+01:00

Ever since we split, I'm torn in two. Half of me glorifies what we had; back then we were both engaged; what we did was wrong, forbidden, and crossed several lines; it was one of the most amazing, wonderful, passionate things ever. The other half of me just fucking hates your guts.

How the ghost of you clings. I've tried to erase you from my memory a thousand times or more Joanne, but it's so fucking hard. You're like an unwanted tenant in my head, a squatter with no right to be there, proving impossible to evict. Someplace public like a mall or queue, I'll smell your perfume and it'll take me back to that fateful summer we had. I'll walk behind someone who looks like you, and my heart skips a beat wondering if you'll be the one whose face I see as I rush past, glancing wistfully back.

I know I need closure. I know losing you is a mourning process. What makes it harder is this is all your fault. I didn't ask you to seduce me. I didn't ask you to end 'us' so bitterly. You told me being with me was a fantasy - maybe you couldn't handle living the dream. I've tried to hate you, to be angry about it all, so I can try and move on. It's not working too good. In truth Jo, you're still a headfuck to me. I can't put you away in the way I need to so I can get on with my life, and it's hurting me, holding me back, and totally driving me crazy. The last time I saw you haunts me still, when we met 'to talk'. Life hasn't been the same since. We sat in my silver new Mercedes and you looked suggestively at the back seat. Then you took my feelings for you and threw them back in my face, shattering my illusions, my heart, my wellbeing, my life.

You moved on since then. You married the guy you cheated on, I wonder if deep down he still thinks you're cheap, untrustworthy, harlot? I was totally fucking stupid last year and called you, of course you hung up on me. I hope it fucked with your head so you got some idea of the godfuckingawful mess you left me in. I know from friends that you moved house, you changed job. You even blocked me on Facebook. You move on, leaving me behind in this painfully-shit-emotional-wasteland, wondering which way to turn. It's not fair, it fucking sucks, and two years on, I still don't know how to deal with you.

Let me paint a picture for you. You hope to forget about me and pretend 'we' never happened. Your 'new' life tries to hide your past indiscretion. I'm sure you can't ignore my memory entirely. Since we split, you get married and somehow convince your partner you weren't the cheap slut he and I both thought you were. Problem is, a leopard doesn't change its spots, does it. I wonder how it feels to live the lie, when deep down his trust has gone, and you know it?

Natalie Dormer

2008-04-06T09:34:00.003+01:00

One frustrating morning later, with Globus penning a long post only for Blogger to crash and fucking lose it, he resorted to a picture of the wonderful Natalie Dormer to cheer himself up.

DIY disaster!

2008-04-03T22:34:00.006+01:00

Globus ain't had much luck on the old D-I-Y front this week. In truth, a fuckwit chained to a wall could have done better.

His ole house needed floors sanding, a task approached with great gusto. Starting with his bedroom above the lounge, Globus lifted a few floorboards to access the lounge ceiling light electrics which needed doing, and then while sanding, managed to forget the lifted floorboards. He stepped backwards, putting his foot right through the gap. Ass. Said foot went straight through the lounge ceiling; so then the fucking lounge ceiling needed re-plastering, too. After a while, Globus found his foot was in chuffin' agony, so 5 hours later he went to Casualty to get it checked out. Result = fractured frigging bone in foot!

The next day, he mounted a ladder* to cover up the scene of his crime and plaster the foot-shaped hole in the lounge ceiling, and lost his balance. With the ladder heading horizontal, he grabbed out towards the window ledge, and got his hand stuck in the half-open window catch as he fell. Trip #2 to Casualty later. Result = dislocated dickhead thumb!

Globus (as well as suddenly being a cripple) is now an expert on Health And Safety. He must therefore advise if you're planning any DIY, please just pay the fucking money and get somebody else (preferably not Globus) to do it for you.

*Hindsight suggests Ruby could have held the ladder firmly :-)

The year so far

2008-04-02T07:34:00.001+01:00

3 months into 2008, what has Globus learnt? Last year’s experience taught Globus that setting New Year’s Resolutions is just a flash in the pan – come mid-Jan…..mostly forgotten. Come mid-year…..mostly irrelevant anyway. Life moves and changes too quickly, and Globus feels too busy to set meaningless goals.

Frustratingly therefore, the year began without much direction. Chimpy (Globus’ youngest) had colic then reflux, meaning she’s now 4 months old, and hasn’t slept through the night once. One notable night last week she was up 7 times, with fucking devastating consequences on the Globus household. Consequently, the Parental-Deprived-Sleep Accumulator is now off the scale, with Globus and wife sporting the latest in sunken, blackened eye sockets, and besmirched with sallow-faced death-palour. Pigface (Globus’ eldest will be 3 in Aug) came down with Hand, Foot & Mouth. An ugly virus sounding scarier than it really is, but like many kiddie ailments, more fucking hassle as life doesn’t stop or give you as parent any letup!

Work’s been ok but at year’s start, it’s always hard to get into isn’t it? Globus also has a testing 100-mile daily round trip to work – adding that to the sleep deprivation, Globus is left wondering how his commute isn’t more Wacky Races or dodgems ride.

Feb was instantly forgettable. For the first year in a long time, Globus got no Valentine’s kudos whatsoever, ne’er even a text, and during the whole month, he didn’t really get anywhere. Sombre, he also observes his harem of Mistresses is diminishing to almost manageable proportions. With his daughter’s high maintenance, his Valentine’s disaster, his disinterested liaisons and Britney’s fall from grace, Globus has every reason to feel anti-wimmin right now.

On the plus side Globus has made £1300 selling old crap on eBay this year, in spite of some truly asinine, off-putting fuckwit queries from eBay ‘buyers’. Globus has also had a £600 tax refund as well J However his alcoholism has led to most of this gain being consumed on fine wines. Hey, we all have our vices! You work out the maths, but

Modern day parenting + Sleep deprivation + Labour government = Alcoholism.

Globus has been headhunted 3 times so far this year, none of which suit. He’s no interest in working in Sheffield, which equates to a 163 mile round trip, nor relocating to London (too expensive), nor even Cardiff (too Welsh). Relocation is too much hassle with 1 wife, a few Mistresses, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 horses, an established way of life, and a credit crunch going on UK economy-wise.

Enter March, and things look up, so Spring has surely sprung! Globus suddenly gets an opportunity to slash his commute to 20 mins each way, and blag more cash. He’s fortunate to get offered the new job, and grabs the opportunity with open arms. Lady Luck has stopped pissing on the Globus parade – for a moment, at least. The sleep is still scant, the savings are still skint, the Mistresses are still dispersing, and the eBay queries are irritating - but things might just be on the up. Time for a Spring Clean?

April Fool!

2008-04-01T07:02:00.003+01:00

The Globus pick for this year's April Fool goes to Britney Spears (pictured, with the same face Globus had on him at his 6am alarm-time this A.M.). Poor lass. How the mighty has fallen, and so publicly too, since the heady heights of the 'Toxic' video. Still, think of all the guttersnipe journo's her escapades are helping keep above the bread line.

As an aside, Globus has been racking his brain for some decent April Fool pranks to play, but is sadly drawing blanks. The pre-school plot to deprive him of sleep is proving quite lobotomising :-(

Monday moaning

2008-03-31T15:19:00.003+01:00

Well, another weekend flies past. Globus has a big few weeks ahead. He handed his notice in recently, and has a swanky new job starting soon which reduces his daily commute hell from 3+ hours to a measly 50 mins :-)

What reaction do you expect or get from colleagues when you hand in your resignation? Globus was surprised that everyone at work wished him 'congratulations', 'sorry you're going, you'll be missed', and overall seemed very happy for him. Now either they are genuinely happy he's leaving (hmm what are they fucking hinting...) but surely a reaction so positive is more something you'd get from friends and family, not work colleagues?

Globus was expecting the usual 'sorry you're leaving, where you off to?' type thing, not good wishes and people being genuinely pleased for him. Is that odd?

Avril Lavigne - Fri-candy

2008-03-27T21:26:00.010Z

Globus is trying hard to present a post excluding any expletives, let alone the 'f-word', just for a change. So on a day beginning with 'F', here's one of his weaknesses - Avril Lavigne.

Lavigne is candy chiefly as she's the spitting image* of one of Globus' legendary exes. Globus met up with said ex last year after 10 years apart, for a brief affair, but hey; sometimes it is good to go back :-)

*Fuck it!

Vive La France! Comment on France.

2008-03-27T09:44:00.003Z

French premier Sarkozky currently extolls how France and Britain's 'entente cordiale' should become 'entente amicale'. Here's ten reasons why Globus thinks this idea sucks gallic ass.

1) France is a big museum - commemorating France. What cheese do the French eat? French cheese. Where do the French go ski-ing? France. Where do the French go for their beach holidays? France. Why is the Tour de France so publicised, when most of the rest of Europe doesn't give a cat's shit about loads of drugged up cyclists in lycra? Because it's French and the French think it's a big thing. Which hotels do the French stay in on their travels? French ones (Accor). Etc.
2) The French have always been there when they've needed us
3) The French have pinched some of our fishing quota and still can't fish for fuck - the worst seafood Globus has ever had was in Boulogne once, more grit than shellfish.
4) French wine doesn't travel well unless it's at least 50 years old and worth a fortune.
5) Unemployment in some areas of France is at least 25%.
6) People can still urinate on the street using 'pissoirs'.
7) There's too much dogshit on the streets of Paris.
8) Lacoste, Le Coq Sportif and Jean Paul Gaultier are all shit brands these days.
9) The French have no notable military victory or worth, yet they get a public holiday celebrating victory in WW2 on VE day ('Fête de la Victoire 1945'). We actually hauled their asses out of the fire, and get fuck all. What's all that about?
10) The French still hate our guts and us being in Europe, despite what Sarko says (e.g. the 'Empty Chair' crisis). Now they expect us to get all pally. Two-faced bastards.

NEWSFLASH! Honda boffin bullshit

2008-03-25T20:23:00.007Z

Globus has been muchly irked by Honda's TV advertising campaign for some time, finding it just far too touchy-feely-wanky. Grrrr! Irony is, producing that drivel probably cost them a couple of million.
Ha ha! With such decision-making skills, these people could almost be New Labour.

Now, alas, Honda reach a new low. Yes, the company that brought us generations of blue-rinsed-Jazz-drivers, dull company-car-Accord-drivers, boy-racer-TypeR-drivers (remember, it IS still a civic, and you DO still have 'Honda' on your keyfob), and the useless 'off-road' HRV/CRV; Honda now have the gall to present another potential for our government to impinge on our liberty and fleece us for more motoring fines, to boot. Check this shit out, it's scary. A 'black box' which could monitor what we get up to in our motors. Holy back-seat-prom-night horseshit! The aim is to reduce accidents - my ass. Globus was alerted to this by a call on his mobile from a mate whilst he was mid-Big Mac, on the A21 cutting up some rice boy twunt over-revving some ugly jap car. Nearly dropped the fucking mobile during the manouevre, too, but that's another story.

This boffin-brained Honda cocksuck clearly doesn't give much of an ass about the motorist OR the fact that their cars look mostly shit (Accord, Insight, CRV et al). If they are wasting their time putting jigsaws together in crappy commercials, or conjuring up hairbrained schemes like this, then Honda really can fuck right off.

Happy Easter? Lucky fucky you!

2008-03-25T15:40:00.005Z

Hope you had a good Easter. Globus spent most of it driving 650 miles to keep the family happy - and that's not trying to get the kids to sleep, nor trying some drive-in movie backseat action with Mrs G. Globus just lives as far from his family as possible to avoid needing to visit the numpties more than once in a blue moon. To help escape some of the family excruciation, Globus booked himself any activity available - this time, a helicopter lesson on Saturday. Globus actually learnt something important here - don't fly helicopters. A 1 hour drive to the aerodome revealed the bastard was called off due to snow - all flights grounded!

Globus also got shit-all sleep (does anyone else's kids wake up at 4am for weeks in a row?) but probably still more than Fleet. Congrats, by the way. Once you've recovered from your loss of sleep, which could be when she's around 12, you then have puberty, boyfriends, and further years of worry. This then extends well into their 30s as kids these days are increasingly financially dependent on us. Welcome to the club ;-)

The thing about kids is....

2008-03-20T11:18:00.004Z

The little runts totally ruin your sex life. They keep you knackered through loss of sleep, so late-night rumpy-pumpy is just out of the question. They then wake up bastard early, further depriving you of any morning glory with your partner. The little shits also never sleep at the same time during the day, so a spot of afternoon tiffin can't be planned. The ongoing consequence of all this is that libido becomes a mere dictionary reference, no longer a life's goal. Globus can understand the role a Mistress or two could play here - preferably ones with no kids whatsoever.

Moreover, is Globus the only Alpha male who goes out to work whilst his wife stays at home looking after the kids, and still gets earache? He gets short shrift from the Mrs when he returns, beleaguered, exhausted and fucking ground down from a day's toil. 'It's a different kind of work you do. Mine is physical' opines Mrs Globus when Globus complains of getting no leeway for working hard. He gets home and sometimes doesn't WANT to change a dirty nappy, calm a screaming baby, or play Thomas The Tank Engine the precise moment he walks through the door. Being a hands-on modern man however, Globus pulls his weight, so usually it's around 8pm by the time he gets to actually sit down and chill out. Sound familiar? Globus suspects the only understanding shoulder he can find to cry on is provided by other unfortunate males who are also going through this journey.

Newsflash - Madeleine McCann still missing!

2008-03-19T10:24:00.005Z

Globus notes the revelation about the apology to Kate and Gerry McCann in the Daily Express today, quite a significant step for the rag to take. This got Globus thinking seditious thoughts....

....in the UK alone over 77,000 children go missing each year. So how come the Madeleine McCann event got so much media coverage?
....the McCanns left their daughter out of eyesight, in an apartment with an open window, in a complex they were first-time visitors to. Why? Every parent carries out some degree of conscious/sub-conscious risk assessment where their kids are concerned. Would you leave your kids unattended in a ground floor room, with a window open, after dark, in a busy or unfamiliar place in your own country? No. So why?
....Globus genuinely hopes Madeleine resurfaces safe and well however the longer time elapses, the less likely. Given the high profile, how have the abductors kept it so under wraps? Inside job?
....as an aside, in Lancashire over 300 kids go missing each year, but Globus suspects it's a cover up - have they either been sent to work in the mills, or are they just playing truant?
....it's not just Lancashire with problems. In Canada*, mothers (37 per cent) tend to abduct their children more often than fathers (17 per cent). (*source - Royal Canadian Mounted Police website)

*Disclaimer - Globus isn't actually making any statement about how suspicious the circumstances of Madeleine's disappearance are, nor about Lancashire's social problems, nor even that Canadian parents clearly have issues. The above are just comments about how fucked up life truly is :-)

Fave subject - another Ryanair rant

2008-03-19T09:40:00.004Z

Ryanair re-launched their website recently following a ruling from the OFT* that their pricing was 'ambiguous'. Globus doesn't notice any fucking difference. O'Leary's same ratshit concept of add-ons continues to plague us, the hapless travellers. It's still frustratingly tedious to easily understand what the price you'll actually pay is; this ordeal should be quicker and easier!

Globus has to untick insurance, speedy check-in, baggage fees....what will they charge for next, oxygen? Globus discovered there is a name for this underhand scullduggery - Ryan-itis - the desire to charge people for services which hitherto came free of charge. We'll see more of this shit in the future, no doubt, as companies continue trying to bleed us consumers dry.

As an aside, Globus also notes that Ryanair's site looks shit. It's a mish-mash of monetisation which looks like a bedroom affiliate's site, designed to trap the unwary (and ignorant). If you book an hotel via their site you deserve bed bugs, as they are allied with Expedia who are, frankly, expensive nowadays.

*Office of Fair Trading

Web tip - Don't use TheTrainline - there's far better

2008-03-16T21:05:00.009Z

Globus has reached new lows with TheTrainline. Globus notes The Trainline have also recently, cynically added £2.50 credit card fee, and also, fuck this, a £1 First Class ticket postage fee!

Globus tries to buy some train tix to London online - TheTrainline website rejects his frigging credit card (which he'd checked on Fri - and had over £2k credit on - either that's a steep fare, or their site is shit. Alas, it's the latter...). He then endures the agony of their voice-activated phone system, and the ordeal of their impossibly-fucking-difficult-to-understand cocksucker staff. 3 cards later, they still can't process the reservation. Twunts!

Globus gets Googling and discovers National Expresses Rail website. These goons plug into the same back-end as TheTrainline.com, however they don't charge for credit cards NOR for postage. Globus booked his tix first time round on their site, no probs. Bookmark it now!

Cool car - BMW M635 csi

2008-03-15T07:04:00.004Z

This blog is a long-time fan of cars built by ze Germans. Much kudos goes to classic BMW's, and today we're paying homage to the original M6 muscle car, launched in 1985, with its classic shark-nose. Certainly more of a 'bloke's car', Globus had the fortune to own one of these 286bhp beauties a few years ago, until some miscreant fuckwit nicked it and wrote it off. A comfy and cool car, and if you're fortunate enough to own a decent one, happy motoring.

Life

2008-03-13T22:04:00.002Z

Globus has been enjoying some celebratory beers with choice company this eve. Apologies for being blog-shy lately - buried beneath eBay selling fulfillment, Pigface, Chimpy AND Mrs Globus being ill; and also some interesting career news. In the past week Globus has moved from a standing start to now having a new job and handing his notice in tomorrow (Fri). Globus is excited about something new but at the same time nervous for some reason about actually serving notice. Any tips welcome. Is career change as good as a rest? Here's to finding out - cheers :-)

Horseshit weekend

2008-03-08T21:02:00.004Z

Not happy. Globus was gonna blog about how shit his trip to London has been, how wanky Virgin Trains are at weekends, how 4 hours' sleep is never enough, and how irritated he is at Sheffield Weds beating QPR 2-1 today. But he's too tired so here's some delectable eye candy and the next part of the Claire Danes challenge mentioned on Fleet's blog.

The thing about kids is...

2008-03-06T13:34:00.002Z

You can laugh at them and not feel guilty. Globus doesn't, anyway. In fact, if like Globus you're 'blessed' with having kids, have you given them any nicknames or amusing nomenclature?

Globus has two kids. And, resultantly, fuck all in the way of life. Or sex drive. Too knackered all the damned time.

His eldest, aged 2 1/2, once born soon managed to master a great impression of a pig snorting; so he's now affectionately dubbed 'Pigface'. The youngest, 3 months old now, initially gained the title 'Churchy'. (ALL babies look like Winston Churchill). She then blossomed into an uncanny resemblance to a chimpanzee (and, occasionally, Phil Mitchell from Eastenders). So she is now saddled with the moniker 'Chimpy'. Needless to say both names emanated from Globus, and Mrs Globus is none too impressed when Globus collects his toddler from Nursery calling 'Pigface, daddy's here!'. Happy days :-)

Crap Liverpool joke

2008-03-04T10:21:00.005Z

- Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Liverpool, European Capital of Culture 2008, scouse birds

2008-03-04T09:50:00.008Z

Globus had cause to visit Liverpool for the first time this week*. The first female he genuinely saw there was a young girl in a light-coloured shell-suit running across the road. Was she fleeing the scene of a crime perhaps? Or maybe a bride, fleeing her wedding day - who knows. Globus had a meeting in the Beatles themed 'Hard Day's Night' Hotel, and there the second female in Liverpool who Globus set his eyes on was none other than Jennifer Ellison. Now Globus has never rated her, scathing her as a scouse teenybopper with an attitude as minging as Kerry Katona's. (Globus is watching Katona's fly-on-the-wall show on MTV and it's hilariously bad viewing). However Jennifer was charming (despite the accent) and actually extremely pretty, more so in the flesh, Globus is now a fan.

As an aside, the Beatles themed hotel Globus saw her in played continuous Beatles music. This reminded Globus of the Christmas he worked in a shoe shop and they spooled the same Christmas CD again, and again, and again.....Now Globus likes the Fab Four but surely the staff would go a bit loopy after months on end of the same ol' tunes?

*Globus has lived 40 mins from Liverpool for the past 3 years and, valuing his safety (and car hubcaps) always staunchly avoided any visit.

Facebook, MySpace, Bebo, whatever next?

2008-02-26T09:17:00.005Z

Social networking sites seem here to stay, although Globus ~~hopes~~ suspects the fad will wane anytime soon. Globus has already waxed lyrical about how ~~pokeable~~ great his MySpace friends are, and how ~~fucking futile~~ irritating FaceBook is.
Now an acquaintance invites him to Bebo, which appears to be the realm of the txtspk-under-18-teenyboppers. Sadly Globus feels too old for it, but a whim gets him signing up on other networks, and he finds :

Hi5 - the illegitimate, slightly pasty-looking half-brother of FaceBook and MySpace.
LinkedIn - a more boring, work-networking orientated version of FaceBook. Has its uses - Globus has been head-hunted through LinkedIn.
WAYN - a US-centric travel site, comes across like it's trying too hard. Looks useful for stalkers.
WhosInTown - if you're staying someplace on business, you can use this to network/hook up with folk. Sounds to Globus more like a tool to organise some extra-curricular rumpy-pumpy on work trips :-)

There are dozens more to be found here. Where do you socially network, or are you more the blogger type?

Janine from MySpace

2008-02-24T10:36:00.005Z

Globus couldn't resist allowing the lovely Janine to brighten up his blog for another few days. Janine is in her late twenties, hails from the West country and gives us a new definition of scrumpy :-)

Sleepless nights with young children

2008-02-24T10:04:00.008Z

Kids 1 Globus 0.

Globus omitted to tell you that he has two kids under the age of 2 1/2. Their only missions on this planet thus far seem to be a) monopolise all parental financial resource and b) deprive parents of as much sleep as possible.

Now Globus can cope with most things, but not sleep deprivation. That makes life pretty fucking hard. Last night's interrupted 'sleep' was more akin to a Guantanamo Bay torture schedule; Globus was up no less than 5 times, meaning today he feels rougher than a badger's ass. Advice to the broody amongst you - put having kids off for as long as humanly possible.

Traffico

2008-02-24T07:21:00.005Z

People come to the Globus blog for a number of reasons - most of which actually appear to be desperation.

Top search terms for arrival at Globus Blogus - Feb :

- globus blogus
- facebook exgirlfriend - ex girlfriend facebook - should i add my ex on facebook - delete exgirlfriend facebook - ex girlfriend messages on facebook etc. (Globus is comforted by not being alone with the 'ex' syndrome)
- ryanair are shit - ryanair are shite - sueing ryanair (says something about our society!)
- bono
- why my ex girlfriend was a bitch (WTF?)

Top tags/pages are, unsurprisingly :

- ass
- skirt
- janine from myspace

Hmm. Now if Globus started extolling Vivaldi and the legacy of baroque influence, would anyone give a fuck?

Good spam

2008-02-20T12:52:00.005Z

Now this is more like it. Globus receives an email entitled 'NEW CONTACT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE' :

Globus As promised. A new friend for future reference......should you need her assistance. Gordon

Globus has immediately added Stacey from EyeCandyCaddies to his priority contact list and is looking forward to seeing far more of the splendid caddy Amy Graham shortly :-)

Bad spam

2008-02-20T12:28:00.004Z

This fine morn, Globus receives the following subject emails; clear missives, all, from the anally retentive :

'A luxury look without spending too much'
Globus has eBay. He just bought 12 Lacoste socks for a fiver. So no thanks.
'Life's tough, make IT tougher, harder, longer'
Fuckwits. IT and in fact any technical issues are already total ballache.
'You can order Anti-depressants, weight loss meds,and pain'
Globus finds vodka more than sufficient. Besides ordering pain online can already be achieved - simply visit www.thetrainline.com to book train tickets, visit the Daily Mail's website, or read more of this blog.
'Bring out the true man in You that is 9 inches long'
Globus is 5 ft 10. Why does he want to lose 5 ft 1 inch?

QPR blog

2008-02-19T21:38:00.003Z

Globus has been really busy selling everything bar his soul on the 'Bay*, hence the blogging lull. So here's some gratuitous QPR totty to keep things ticking over.

* Globus now accounts for £823 gains on eBay within past 31 days :-)

NEWSFLASH! The Gorgon strikes again!

2008-02-12T15:09:00.000Z

It's reported in the news here that the government are nearing a final proposal to ban illegal downloading from the internet in the UK. This is in response to music and film companies claiming illegal downloads are costing them millions. Aww, diddums. Those greedy money-grabbers should have fucking cut the cost of CD's in the first place then shouldn't they? The whole download thing represents a backlash to us having been ripped off by these Simon Cowell types for years. You don't hear Thomas Cook bleating about the fact people buy their holidays online anymore; the way people buy music has changed, too, and EMI et al should fucking get with the programme and be innovative rather than sourpusses. It's largely a problem of their own making, and greed.

Labour, however, continues to make great strides along its uniquely grand path to twattishness. They should first fucking deal with the important shit like immigration, knife and gun crime, road congestion, Sky TV's customer service etc. and let Globus download his gear for free ad infinitum :-)

(p.s. Globus is genuinely sorry for the EMI staff losing their jobs; being made redundant sucks, but surely the way business operates has to adapt to encompass the impact of the internet).

QPR are on the up!

2008-02-11T21:42:00.002Z

Southampton fan? Tough shit*. QPR are on the up, and it's official - according to Ray the cabbie whose carriage took Globus to Euston today.

* Southampton 2-3 QPR
(9 Feb)

Ebay update

2008-02-08T12:04:00.001Z

Globus has now achieved £450 eBay sales in 3 weeks - pas mal* for a load of old shit, eh?
However it's becoming increasingly tiresome. Halfwits with clearly too much time on their hands persist in emailing with asinine questions like 'will you ship to Kathmandu', 'will you accept post-dated cheque in Tangkas' or 'how long will it take to ship to Sydney'. Fucking nora, give me strength. Globus also risks selling his entire Asterix comic book collection for about £1.79 too with only one current bid, bugger.

* Well, France -is- our country of the month...

The cult of Celebrity Chefs

2008-02-07T14:39:00.001Z

Yes, that says 'cult'. First we had to experience rock stars dictating our social conscience; Geldof, Sting, and that fuckster Bono's one of the worst, the sanctimonious preaching prat. Now we have to endure Celebrity Chefs becoming our social custodians; Ramsay, Fearnley-Twittingstall and Oliver, not to mention that small fat ginger one who looks like the dwarf from Lord of The Rings. Telling us what to eat, how to cook it, how we should spend more of our hard-earned on it, and making us all feel inadequate, who do they think they are - New Labour? Globus ate in Jamie Oliver's Fifteen once and was appalled that the cheapest wine available came in at £33 a bottle - a fucking right royal rip-off in anyone's book. Globus can get hold of the same plonk at under two-thirds of that price - and it's not like Oliver needs the fucking money anyway is it? Now they're following Lloyd Grossman in branding food, and even our bangers are in danger. Celebrity sausage, anyone?

The thing about kids is....

2008-02-07T11:47:00.001Z

Globus had blogged about Valentine's Day but this 'spam' from Vicky received today is far more read-worthy :

The latest 'politically correct thinking' considers it improper to spank children. I've never spanked mine! Instead, I used my own tried-and-tested method to control my children when they had one of 'those' moments.

I would take them for a short car ride, ensuring it was me that did all of the talking. They usually calmed down somewhat and stopped misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you'd like to use the technique.I think this would work with grandchildren, nieces and nephews as well.

FaceBook ex girlfriend update

2008-02-06T22:46:00.000Z

Globus was just about to delete his ex from his FaceBook (by recap, she'd sent him a friend request, duly accepted on a limited profile purely to annoy her) when she actually sent him a message. Irksome.

"Its not v. exciting being your friend on facebook??

P.S. My brother has been working with [name edited] a lot recently. Thats why I thought of you! You can find him on facebook too. Maybe you'll be better friends with him?"

Globus is tempted to reply, should he? Or just rise above the snide remarks?

Shit shower showdown

2008-02-06T22:14:00.000Z

What's your worst hotel experience? Globus returns from a business trip cursing hotel showers -AGAIN. Hotel showers are shit for a number of reasons; either as powerful as an old man pissing on your head, or with the force (and, alas, temperature control) of a French riot police water cannon. The plumbing in Globus' recent hostelry sounded like a gang of lunatics were chained to the other side of the bathroom wall, and the shower tray filled, overflowed and flooded the fuck out of the entire bathroom almost in one swift sluicing movement. And then there's that ratshit complimentary shower gel which requires a Robocop grip to coax its contents out; and when the shower shoots suddenly either freezing cold or poker hot with no warning whatsoever, the bloody stuff gets in your eyes and stings like blue buggery. After the ordeal is over, they then expect you to dry your nads with a towel the size of one of The Borrower's handkerchiefs, and with the coarseness of grade 2 industrial sandpaper. Globus misses the days of the cavernous, chipped enamel hotel bath.

Vive La France! France does its bit

2008-02-04T10:46:00.000Z

Evidenced by the pungent camembert currently imprinting the Globus household with the smell of dead men's feet, France is indeed our Country of the Month. How our cousins across Le Channel are helping contribute to the economic slowdown, zut alors! Societe Generale rogue 'tradeur' Jerome Kerviel has helped £3.7bn disappear, at the same time that Premier Sarkozy is looking at pouring even more millions into France's increasing suburban problem.

(Pictured - left, well-protected WAGS taking advantage of the legendary Paris shopping, right, an impressed tourist watches the famous 'Paris Illuminations').

NEWSFLASH!

2008-02-04T10:17:00.000Z

The Times reports this weekend that ...'nudists are rushing to book with OssiUrlaub, a German tour operator offering a clothes-free flight.'

There are disturbing visions of that reality : picture a clapped out old Airbus, crammed a la Ryanair with nekkid, ageing, sweaty and overweight Germans - and a mullet or two on row 10. Sounds like the flight to hell! Globus prefers visions of Britney Spears 'Toxic' video-stylie cabin crew, and baring all sandwiched on the back row between a few of the Hollyoaks girls.

I fail!

2008-02-03T11:00:00.001Z

Ok, I admit it. I'm failing at quitting smoking. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances known to man, and it's still enfolding me in its deathly grip. Sure, I've made some concessions :
-I smoke 'lights' now in the misguided premise like semi-skimmed milk or diet coke that if it's a 'light' version it'll do less harm
-I don't smoke inside or in cars, so I now smoke less
-I don't smoke before midday, so I now smoke less
-Smoking's incompatible with having kids, so I now smoke less
-Smoking's now bastard expensive, so I now smoke less
-I don't toke weed anymore, so I now smoke less

The problem is, I'm a man of vices. Methinks I need to find another vice to replace the old cancer sticks.

Web tip! Use ebay, sell your old crap!

2008-02-03T07:35:00.000Z

Globus has been supping from the ebay gravy train this week. Tasty! Globus is successfully selling off a load of old shit and actually turning a tidy profit. Why people would want worn adidas trainers, used baby stuff, and overpriced, cobweb-covered old tat from the garden shed, is anyone's guess. The pain in the ass is when people ask you half-literate questions about your items, leaving you guessing what on God's earth they're on about. Globus now has 82 feedbacks :-)

Bad football joke

2008-02-03T07:20:00.000Z

New Newcastle Utd boss Kevin Keegan has stated he intends to bring a lot of new faces to Newcastle United.

Peter Beardsley is reported to have asked for one.

Globus supports QPR, having been roped into it years ago by a then budding Trevor Sinclair. And yes Globus accepts your condolences. The irony is that now the club's been bought out by F1 supremos Bernie Ecclestone (worth £2.25 billion), Flavio Briatore (worth £110 million) and Indian steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal (worth £19.25 billion) - making it officially the richest club in the world!

The thing about kids is.....

2008-02-02T07:28:00.001Z

...they herald early starts, the little bastards. Globus misses his sleep! Globus was awoken by his 2 year old at 06:15 yesterday, and 06:20 this morning. Duhhh. Globus gets the feeling today will feel like he's being held hostage by a toddler terrorist, powerless to the forceful demands of : chocolate, playtime with tractors, watching Tractor Ted, watching Little Red Tractor, demanding Ebay searches for toy tractors or tractor parts, and generally running a toy-tractor-strewn reign of terror. Happy days.*

*Globus has 2 kids, both of the same mother. The eldest (2) is totally obsessed with Tractors.

Janine from MySpace

2008-02-02T07:21:00.000Z

Globus thought it about time he introduced you to one of t'internet's best kept secrets - and another reason why MySpace is better than FaceBook - the artfully photogenic Janine.

Lost

2008-02-02T07:18:00.001Z

Globus is delighted to herald the return of Lost from this Sunday on Sky - yay! Although how the writers have managed to squeeze more out of it (obviously rambling storylines pay) remains the biggest mystery of the whole series. That said, Sunday evenings are looking up!

Interweb - TheTrainline derailed!

2008-02-01T08:57:00.000Z

Globus is a dedicated webophile. He banks online, supermarket shops online, buys travel online, blogs online, networks online, and attempts to buy train tickets online. However the last activity is frustrating - for months now TheTrainline.com returns an error when transacting using Barclaycard (it basically fails at the booking screen) meaning you have to physically call them to book. Now the automated voice-system one is subjected to must rank in life's Top 3 fucking frustrations. This week Globus failed to book tickets online due to this stupid technical glitch, and for 2 days their booking system was down - with no notice. So Globus had to call four times a day, navigating the irksome voice prompts, only to discover at the end that he couldn't make the booking - and all this on an 0870 number! Fix the problem you bastards. So much for trains being better for the environment - it's easier to fly or drive.

NEWSFLASH! Ryanair, shit again

2008-01-31T12:19:00.002Z

Globus despises Ryanair. Their chief, Michael O'Leary, is a properly offensive little gobshite. Their peutrid-yellow interiors, unendearing cattle-class concept and confuckingfusing add-on price structure is at odds with any quality traveller. Now they've offended someone else with their latest ad in France; a thought bubble above French President Sarkozy's girlfriend saying 'with Ryanair all my family can come to my wedding'. She's now sueing them for a preposterous £300k claiming that's how much a photo of her costs. Globus gleefully posts the pic here nicked free off Google. Judging by the state France is in these days, Sarkozy should have far more important stuff to attend to - but he's also sueing, for 1 Euro out of symbolism - the pompous French twat. Bonnet de douche!

Web tip! Scientology has its card marked.

2008-01-30T15:45:00.001Z

There's only one good thing about Scientology - Nicole Kidman. Now Google agrees with Globus. Search for 'dangerous cult' and hey presto, Church of Scientology #1. Do you think they're weird?

Let's be 'friends'

2008-01-28T10:43:00.001Z

Globus took Bridget's advice and added his ex with limited profile view, and will delete her in a week. This means Globus prevents her from being nosey, whilst feeling he gets one up on her. Nyuk nyuk!

Country of the month - Vive La France!

2008-01-26T14:23:00.002Z

France is the Globus country of the month and for one main reason - Melissa Theuriau. Comely Melissa is anchor girl on French TV and Globus can see why the French version of FHM voted her most beautiful woman in the world. (Mind you if it's French then those Frenchies will rate it won't they).

Paris Match calls her 'the television bombshell' ('la bombe cathodique'). French pomposity's justified here - us Brits have to settle for Sian Lloyd and Gabby Logan! Ooh la la.

The Splund blog

2008-01-23T11:41:00.001Z

Whilst we're on the sad subject of passing away, Globus notes with some 'douleur' another blog spins out of the blogosphere orbit and shoots off into the black hole of posterity. Alas love 'em or hate 'em, it's hard to avoid the politics of the internet.

It seems a pity as this Splundid blogger dedicated time and effort (doubtless to the dismay of his employers) into his Blogger work. One would hope the calibre of posts (and pictures of quality skirt) will not be lost for good and may the tone (if not the politics) re-surface somewhere. Globus is moved to consult his picture of Natalie Dormer for comfort.

Heath Ledger dead :-(

2008-01-22T22:22:00.000Z

Globus liked Heath Ledger. It's sad to discover just now he is dead. RIP.

NEWSFLASH! My Facebook ex-girlfriend

2008-01-21T13:02:00.001Z

Globus has an ex-girlfriend question for you - should he add her as a friend? Globus wants your advice to find out whether to accept her bolt-from-the-blue friend request or just leave the slapper languishing in Facebook Limbo. What do you think? Should you go back?

Globus isn't sure. So dear reader, why did she want to get in touch, and can re-kindling contact with the ex bring any benefit apart from being able to laugh at the bitch?

Visiting Devon? Don't.

2008-01-21T11:40:00.000Z

Globus had the misfortune to be staying in an hotel in Devon on business on Friday. Globus mentions 'misfortune' as years of travelling the developing world cannot adequately prepare you for a night at Tantons Hotel in Bideford. It's described as 'newly decorated' - and Globus thinks there was a reference to 'rooms are light and airy' too. Globus has never actually been to a refugee camp, nor spent any significant time in jail in eastern Kashmir, but after a night at Tantons, Globus felt moved to send just a few pounds to Amnesty International in support of those around the world that may find themselves incarcerated in similar conditions.

As Globus lay in his single bed, with a rubber undersheet curling beneath him, he wondered what was making the paper fall off the walls (and ceiling)? It could just be a combination of damp and lack of maintenance – but one had the distinct impression that little multi-legged creatures were at work. Ordinarily one might tend to opt for blind drunkenness to 'make it though the night' in such a semi-derelict hell-hole, but the sight of the enormous, tattooed, prize-fighting women in the bar ruled that out too.

It looked like a Grime Swat Team fresh from a Lambeth Council contract should storm the place and jet wash the walls at any moment, but Globus fears the dirt is actually structural – and perhaps the only reason the entire ramshackle Amityville House of Horrors doesn't gently slip into the Torridge estuary itself. Perhaps the most memorable feature, however, was not the dirt itself – but trying to get rid of it.

Having set the broken kettle to boil Globus ran 'a bath'. Instead of piping hot water Globus received 50 litres of tepid sludge containing a Chernobyl quantity of what appeared to be rusted iron filings and ageing organic matter. Globus has slept on trains in Cambodia, and on airport floors. As a child Globus spent weeks on end in condemned static caravans in west Wales. Globus has a relaxed, 'this-will-be-fun camping in the Gale Force 8' approach to life – but this embattled enclave of a place challenged all Globus' previous preconceptions of poverty and disease.

If you’re concerned your son or daughter might want to take a gap year to back-pack around Romanian orphanages, send 'em here. They'll be straight off to Uni. Perhaps you despise your in-laws? Then why not secure them a memorable mini-break? In the shadow of climate change, third-world debt and religious fundamentalism, it sometimes feels like the planet Earth itself requires an enema. When that time comes Globus is convinced that the rubber hose should be firmly and decisively inserted into the flea-bitten, swirly carpeted reception of Tantons Hotel in Bideford. Avoid!

Weekend news commentary

2008-01-21T10:19:00.000Z

What the Saturday papers say (talking us into recession....)
Guardian
...gloomy Christmas promises a miserable new year for retailers as December sales fall 0.4% and housing demand also points to deepening slump
(it -is- a miserable new year, look at the frigging weather)
The Telegraph
...fears of recession grow as investors withdraw billions...December’s retail slump sent the pound lower against other major currencies
(the answer is simple. cut the tax on petrol to stimulate the economy, and recoup the deficit by cutting back on MP travel expenses (see below))
The Times
...polar bear cub at Nuremburg Zoo sparks worldwide interest after other cubs were eaten by another mother bear
(more of that 'free range' stuff Jamie Oliver keeps banging on about?)
The Mail
Heathrow hero pilot was John Coward -
(never call a Coward a hero. Credit to BA for thoroughly milking the PR from this)

What the Sundays papers say
Observer
...the value of the FTSE 350 leisure and travel sector has fallen by a third since its peak last may as consumers tighten their belts
(we're losing. the bastards have managed to tax the crap out of us to such an extent we're even struggling to emigrate or flee for an escape to costa del anywhere)
Sunday Telegraph
...Flood warnings issued as torrential rain forecast for many parts of the UK, especially Wales and northern England
(watch out for a hosepipe ban anytime soon)
Mail on Sunday
...almost £50,000 of taxpayers’ money has been spent on flights for the wife of Commons Speaker Michael Martin ...Northern Ireland secretary Shaun Woodward tots up £70,000 of taxpayers’ money on three short trips to the US
(outrageous. these leeches can fuck off!)

Facebook faceoff!

2008-01-18T08:16:00.001Z

The day any erstwhile Facebooker dreads has arrived - one of Globus' exes has sent him a friend request. It was bound to happen, but still bites, bigtime. Quite why this has happened remains a mystery to Globus - he obviously failed in his attempt to make the bitch hate him so much she'd erase his memory - however the redeeming feature of this post is that the slut actually hasn't aged well at all :-) Having discovered what 'leet speak' is, Globus has decided to leave her in Facebook Limbo (courtesy of Urban Dictionary - which can help you understand what 16 and 17 year olds are actually SAYING to you).

Spam, spam, spam

2008-01-17T13:44:00.001Z

This week Globus has already won the European Lottery, been propositioned for 'cialis', been offered web design by Mary Wong (at $6 an hour it must be pants) and also invited to enhance his 'trouser mouse'. Judging by the spam, all Americans must either be impotent, in dire need of urgent web design, or maybe both. Today's offering seems either too late or too early :

"Dont forget about Christmas gifts.

Hurry up! The best gifts and enormous discounts only in our X-mas store!

Big choice of replica watches, bags, pens and many others products by most popular brands.

You have wonderful possibility to save your time and money.

http://www.crapwebsitelinkwhichlooksdodgy.com

By the way All products is High Quality."

Globus would like to know what the hurry is when he still has 343 shopping days left til Christmas. Maybe this spammer runs an internet store from Death Row. There's more hurry for the spammer to rectify the terrible grammar with that last sentence.

I quit!

2008-01-16T14:38:00.000Z

It's official - Globus is out of the smoking crowd. After 15 or so years of inane cancer-stick subscription, Globus has decided to take the plunge with the help of erstwhile quit guru Allen Carr (RIP) and a fellow quit-pact-signatory from work. Globus fully expects to feel murderous in about 3 days' time, and psychotic within a week. Wish Globus luck! Any tips on a replacement vice are welcome. Alas due to daytime working hours, vodka is not an option...